This is something that everyone can relate to at least once in their lives. It's something that I have always personally struggled with. A lot of it is about comparison, which is very common among people. So many of us crave approval from others, and we feel like we have to earn it through what we accomplish in life. It's so easy to look at someone and think, why can't I be like that? We feel like we don't measure up. We're not smart enough, we need a better job, we need to be in a relationship or move in and settle down with someone…and on and on it goes.
Are we born this way? Perhaps it's in our nature or our DNA. But there are other factors when you really begin to think about it. It could have been your home environment when you were growing up. Maybe a family member or someone from school said that you should be more like your sibling and that you didn't try hard enough. Or (here's an easy one) social media and what it portrays. Not only are there famous and wealthy people to compare yourself to, but even family members and friends. We see photos (often filtered!) of people smiling at the camera at a big party or on vacation by the beach. Why can't I be more social (raising my hand here) or have enough money to go away on vacation during the winter? That is the downside of social media: people often only show us what they want us to see.
So how do we get out of the habit of putting ourselves down and being so hard on ourselves? It takes a new and more realistic perspective (and, in my case, lots of practice). First, we need to realize that no one is perfect or has it easy in life (it just appears that way sometimes). We all experience hardships and anxiety. We all have different strengths and talents. Although someone may not excel academically, they may be a great artist, athlete, or speaker. Everyone is talented at something. We need to go easy on ourselves and, especially, forgive ourselves for making mistakes. Maybe you've been dealing with a trauma or loss, and you've been neglecting to take care of yourself or your house. Maybe you needed to take time off of work due to a health condition (physically or mentally). Perhaps you've been short-tempered and snapped at a loved one for no apparent reason, or you haven't attended a social event (or even gone to the grocery store) in months. These are all normal and understandable reactions to what we go through in life.
Forgive yourself, apologize to that person (who will most likely understand), and move on. Maybe instead of blaming ourselves, we can let ourselves take a day off every once in a while and just stay at home, relax, and read a book or watch a good movie. Give yourself permission to grieve or be angry about something, and then move on when you're ready and start taking care of yourself. Often, people see each other for who they are as a person and not what they have accomplished in their lives.
Let's take a step back and reflect on the good in ourselves and realize that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Let this be an opportunity for growth. How would your life be different if you changed the way you looked at yourself and showed yourself compassion instead of being so hard on yourself? Perhaps that is what the definition of success should really mean.
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